I remember the Garbage Pail Kids from my childhood fondly.
If you’re too young to remember them…well, I’m sorry for you. You can go read something else.
This is one of those ones that’s basically designed to make myself laugh.
Every office has them.
The ones that make your workday just a little more hellish in nature.
It might not even be intentional…but somehow it makes it even worse that they’re clueless and have no idea why they’re sucking the life out of you every single Monday through Friday and deserve a good, solid punch. Nothing permanently damaging or anything…but a good charlie horse or dead-leg might be exactly what they need to knock it the hell off, already.
And so we’ve compiled a list of the top Garbage Pail Coworkers…
…we even gave you images to use as a checklist.
All Sports Alex miss the game last night? Not to worry, All Sports Alex will be along shortly to tell you the score. And nineteen useless stats. For that game…and every other game played anywhere on Earth last night…
Battling Betty wants to make sure that every man in the office is aware that women are just as competent as they are. At anything. At everything. Probably even more competent. And she will kick your ass if you disagree in the slightest.
Becky Bombshell knew three weeks ago that there was a serious problem…but did she say anything when you might have been able to fix it? Of course not. She’ll wait until there’s a big meeting so she can drop the bomb when it will do the most damage.
Bradley Bragsalot nobody cares that much about your weekend, dude. nobody. Not about the number of beers you drank, how “insane” your morning workout was. None of it. Shut up.
Chopblock Charlie takes an insane amount of pleasure in other people’s suffering. Killing projects, getting people fired or at least in trouble…those are the only times that he’s really happy.
Dance Club Debbie makes you wonder if she’s still dressed from last night at least twice a week. Or hell, maybe she’s an escort during her lunch hour? It’s just…awkward.
Drunk Dan always has a faint (or not so faint) smell of either alcohol or an overwhelming amount of mouthwash when he shambles into meetings. He does the careful “heel…toe…heel…toe” step cadence as you pass him in the hallway during late afternoons.
Eddie Eatsitall is thrilled when someone brings donuts or muffins into the office or has catering come in for a meeting…because he apparently hasn’t eaten in days, and you’re going to want to make sure you get there before he does if you actually want something more than shrapnel or crumbs.
Foul Mouthed Freddie just can’t help himself, and the four letter words fly no matter who’s in the room or might be offended. All problems are effing problems, and if you can’t effing handle that, then you can effing shut up.
Frantic Frank is always an insane mess of a human being. You might not even really be sure what it is that Frank does, exactly, but it certainly does seem to have him all riled up whether it’s warranted or not. Just try to not get caught up in the whirlwind.
Late Larry simply cannot be on time for anything. Morning? He’ll be there when he gets there. Meetings? Always at least five to seven minutes late. Assignments? Definitely factor a few days of buffer into the equation.
Makeup Molly has an entire cosmetics counter in the drawers of her desk, and it’s actually a little fascinating to count how many times something needs to be “touched up”, “re-applied”, “fixed”, “adjusted”, “removed and replaced”, “clipped”, “primped”…
Microwave Murdering Mark is eating fish on Fridays, just so you know. And in case you don’t know, you’ll still be smelling it on Monday after he destroys the kitchen with it. There’s probably going to be a faint undercurrent of scorched popcorn around 2pm…heads up.
Political Pete could put the skeeviest, most scheming weasel in Washington DC to shame with his machinations. No matter what goes wrong…it’s not his fault. No matter how much blood gets shed…it never lands on his shoes. In fact, it seems like no matter what happens, he’s conveniently uninvolved…unless it goes well, and then it was all his idea.
Reggie Replies just wants to make sure his words are seen. So he’ll do a “reply all” just to send back an “okay”. The last word has to be his. The last sound you hear must be his voice…you won’t win, and you won’t change the behavior. Don’t even bother trying.
Ricky The Reaper is the voice of doom and gloom. That code will never work. The office is going to hell in a handbasket. Everyone’s going to be fired next week. Nothing but negatives…and never an idea on how to actually improve things, either.
Rocking Robby might be pushing 50, but he still jams it out every Saturday night at the local dive bar around the corner from his house with the same band he’s been with since high school, man. And you’re going to get countless invites to attend, so you might as well make an appearance once and get it over with, already.
Sam the Sphinx is the immovable object in the office. It’s entirely possible that he was actually there and they built the entire building around him, and the company just sort of happened to come along. He’s seen it all, done it all, and been through countless mergers, buyouts and acquisitions, and he’s the most jaded, cynical person in the world because of it.
Sick Steve is a clueless idiot that’s going to give the entire office whatever he has because he’s too stupid or afraid to stay home with the 102 degree fever, coughing fits, and disease-ridden phlegm balls that come flying out of his face on a regular basis. Buy stock in bleach wipes.
Speakerphone Phil just wants to make sure THAT EVERYONE IN THE OFFICE IS AWARE THAT HE’S ON THE PHONE AND HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE AND THE BEST WAY TO DO THAT IS TO NEVER EVER EVER PICK UP THE HANDSET…
Stenchy Stu really needs to start showering more. Or maybe just doing laundry more often. Or try a new deodorant. Sweet jesus…something.
Tommy Techie is the office SysAdmin, and he rules with an iron fist. Tread lightly, or else your deployments will mysteriously get corrupted, patches that you need will never happen, and good luck getting any elevated privileges on your machine to even get your job done.
Two Face Timmy is your best friend…as long as you’re in the same room. But when you’re not around, you can never be sure what it is that he’s saying to people about you. The best way to identify him is to listen to what he says to other people that he’s buddy-buddy with…as soon as they leave the room.
Vicky Venom is, as the wise prophets Bel, Biv and Devoe proclaimed, “poison”. She’s also a close relative of Timmy, except it’s not gossip you have to worry about, it’s back-stabbing, plotting, and turning people against you. She usually smiles excessively.
Warring Warren is ready to throw down at a moment’s notice, and there’s no such thing as a “minor skirmish”…it’s World War III as soon as you ask the first question about his timing or want to get some clarification about a problem you see.
Watch That Willy apparently never sleeps, because he simply has to be watching television every waking moment that he’s not at work. Every morning starts with “Hey, did you watch that…”, and the first five to ten minutes of every meeting is lost with a show recap. He’s able to discuss the plotline…any plotline…of any piece of programming on any channel from any network…and will do so at the slightest provocation.
