“See this? Our website? I just want it to suck less. Can you make it suck less? I have a big bag of money for someone that can make it suck less for me. ” – a CTO who shall remain nameless, during a business meeting circa 1999
I am in my 30’s.
I am on Facebook.
I am writing this for all other people in their 30’s or above as a Public Service Announcement. Many of you suck at Facebook, and have no idea how badly you’re even sucking. If you’re in your early 20’s or below, stop reading now and move along, because these don’t apply to you and I don’t have the patience to debate any of this with you. If you are in your late 20’s and approaching your 30’s…and you are on Facebook…you should especially read this. Be prepared moving forward. Be smart. Suck less.
If I feel like I should be verifying your insurance coverage and collecting a therapy co-pay, you are sucking at Facebook. Listen, we all have problems. Every day for the most part, we must be resilient in our actions to correct something that has went wrong, but to cry and whine publicly to your 400-500 friends is just…wrong. Nothing says “unfriend me” like any of the following status messages: “OMG, BILLY WON’T TALK TO ME!”, “I’M GETTING SO FAT!”, “FML!!!1!”. Unless you are my 16 year old niece, shut up. If you really need to talk, drop me a note and say “Hey, can I buy you a beer and we can chat?” or find a therapist. Either way, it’ll cost you about $20 per session.
If your updates are nothing more than blatant fishing attempts for compliments or attention whoring, you are sucking at Facebook. This one makes no sense to me whatsoever, and is a close relation to the above. You need affirmation, you crave attention, you are sitting home alone, so what do you do? Put something vague on Facebook about your life sucking, then when someone asks, “What’s wrong?” you don’t answer. Honestly, you have psych issues and Facebook isn’t going to cure them. I am not here to coddle you. Ladies, go to a bar and let some pathetic schmuck buy you drinks until you feel better about yourself. Guys…seriously, if you fall into this category, sack up – you’re only still in my friends list so that I can point at you and mock. You should know this.
If I know enough about your child to put me in violation of anti-stalking statutes or land me on a watchlist, you are sucking at Facebook. I am going to be honest with you. I like hearing from you every now and again about something cute your kid did, or somewhere fun you are going, etc., but I honestly don’t care when you take your BM or when you wake, sleep and eat. I seriously don’t. You get one of these per week, so don’t waste it on “Suzie is eating a green bean”, “Jenny is taking a nap” or “Kevin is going #2”. NOTE: The last is acceptable only if there’s a funny story involving your ruined clothes or a priceless family heirloom getting destroyed in the process.
If the first thought that comes to my mind when reading your post is “Thank you, Captain Obvious”, then you are sucking at Facebook. You have nothing to actually say, but god damn it, you have to update your status, so what do you state? The obvious. Congratulations. For without you, I wouldn’t know its Monday and it’s raining. My life is better for having to think less because of you. Unless you know for a fact that every single person you know has been on a four day bender, we are not relying on your status updates to tell us what day of the week it is. And if we were, and didn’t invite you, status updates like this are the reason.
If the most thought that goes into your status updates is CTRL+C and CTRL+V, then you are sucking at Facebook. Again, you have nothing else to say, and someone at some stupid $20 Facebook seminar told you to cut and paste quotes to inspire others to remain relevant. Well, they are wrong and you need to stop it. Immediately . “He who go to sleep with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger” – Confucious, or “I like electricity!” – Ben Franklin, will be met with snark and most likely “This random quote is going to inspire you to do nothing today” – me. Additionally, anything copied and pasted without being verified by at least one other source (snopes.com – learn it, live it, love it) will result in mocking, scorn and derision.
If I feel like my status feed has been turned into your god damned Outlook calendar, then you are sucking at Facebook. You go to a stupid $20 Facebook seminar to help your business and somewhere in the seminar, some clown who has no business talking tells you, “If you tell people how busy you are, it will attract them to doing business with you!” Well, they were wrong. Deathly wrong. And if I posted my work schedule on Facebook, you would assassinate me. Put that stuff on Linkedin where it belongs. “I’m headed to another great meeting with the people of (insert company)”, “Time to close some more business!”, “I’m meeting (he/she) at Starbucks to talk about how awesome my company is!”…fail, Fail, FAIL. On second thought, spare your LinkedIn connections that pain, too. Keep it to yourself.
If I have added you into the “DBag Sales” group in my friends list, you are sucking at Facebook. You know, I’m OK with you promoting an event or telling us to hit a bar you are working at, completely cool, but stop pimping your crap. I don’t want to buy your Juice that will cleanse my bowels, I know about your book and if I wanted it I would have bought it 6 months ago, and I could care less about your stupid-weiner real estate company. One more “Buy my book! “, “Remember the last 50 statuses from me, I still sell mortgages!” or “This Juicebox will save your life!” and I’m not only unfriending you on Facebook, but I’m pulling that trigger in real life, too.
If you ever…EVER…post anything about Facebook changing layouts or that you heard a rumor that they’re going to start charging, you are sucking at Facebook. Unless you can provide a video stream from a live newscast where Mark Zuckerberg himself is saying “Yes, Facebook is going to start charging” I am banishing you to “hidden updates” and never looking back.
If you haven’t figured out the concept of “Groups” yet, then you are sucking at Facebook. You want to avoid me bitching at you about these things? Post little Abby’s bowel movements to your “Mommy” group of friends…only. Post your pathetic “I’m fat” notes to your “Single Girlfriends” and “Horndog Males” groups…only. Send your “I’m working, I swear!” updates to your boss and co-workers…only …because, let’s be honest, you’re the kind of person that’s friends with your boss on Facebook, aren’t you?
You’re welcome.
Well, that’s all for this entry in the How Not To Suck category. Don’t forget to check out new ones as we write them, as well as our Don’t Be That Guy entries and all of the other random stuff we blather on about.